Yesterday, one of our cats peed on the kitchen counter. This was our older cat, Addison. The first words out of my mouth were, “That is unacceptable. She has to go.” It was a reaction, because — though there are those out there that see me as mean bitch (not self-deprecating, I’ve been called that) — I would never throw her out of the house. But it got me thinking very seriously about an aspect of myself that I’m not very fond of. And rather than processing this one alone, like a selfish nerd, I’m going to do it here with you, dear readers. Hooray for us!
Let’s break it down:
Something happens that triggers my rage.
In this instance, the cat peeing on the kitchen counter! (I still cannot believe it, can you!? After 12 years of never doing something like that, but I digress.)
I immediately react.
“She has to go!” Heart-rate increases, voice is raised, I get shaky.
I immediately feel bad and regret my reaction.
“Fuck! I just yelled that in front of the kids. I know damn well I would never throw this cat out, why did I say that?”
NEWER ADDITION TO MY REPERTOIRE: Self-compassion
“It’s alright, Jess. You know you are full of love and are not an evil person. Once you find some calm, you’ll be able to sort this through. You’re not alone.”
Analyze, plan, and overplan
“Why is she doing this? Did she smell another cat on that bowl from grandma’s house? Is it because our other cat? What do we do if she does it again? Can we banish her to the basement? What do we need to make the basement cat-comfy?
That brings us to this morning. I’ve had a realization about my patterned behavior. My deep pain is in the perceived lack of my integrity — which tickles one of my core wounds: unworthiness. A belief that I was holding onto very tightly (and I’m trying to rework my relationship with) is that one’s words and one’s actions MUST match for a person to be trustworthy. And for the most part, that feels very right for me. But, you see, I’ve taken it too far. In that space where I reacted in my anger, I made a statement that was not true to my needs or wants. But when the words leave my lips, I feel like I am beholden to them. I must be true to my word. It is in this space where I need to grow. The thing that I tell myself is, “You said that, so now you have to follow through. If you don’t, people will not trust you. And if you can’t be trusted, how can you live with yourself?” And in that space, I feel worthless.
But today, I am rewriting the script (and I’m sure I’ll continue to make edits as we go along).
INTERIOR: JESS’ BRAIN
I’m a knight of the old code, my word is my bond.
I’m allowed to make mistakes. I am worthy, even when I mess up.
I am good inside. I am full of love, not only for others, but myself as well. We are all connected. Forgiveness frees us all.
I do believe people are good inside. But the systems we live in really do a number on us. And if each of us can take a moment to reflect after we rage out, or break down in tears, or even after we come down from a blissful state, and take a peek at the patterns running in the background, we might just find some ways to see ourselves and each other in a new light. Maybe a little more kindness and love can help us get through this crazy thing called life. Thanks for being here. I love you.