Recently, I was chatting with my dear partner Chuck, asking them where they think I am most creative. Without much time to ponder, they said something along the lines of, “Your creativity really shines when you are organizing and finding solutions to problems.” Man, oh man! Did I ever feel seen! And at the same time, I realized that I had been sort of pigeonholing creativity into just the arts. Like I think I’m pretty creative with my writing and drumming and crocheting. But to realize that creativity knows no bounds and to acknowledge where my creative strengths shine was exciting! And yet, no amount of problem-solving creativity can help one out of a complex family system problem. Today’s tale is not heart-warming. Today’s tale has me feeling a little heartbroken and hopeless. I only share it here with you, my dear readers, so that I don’t fall into old familiar shame stories and to remember that none of us are immune to family pain and drama.
This past weekend some violence broke out in my mom’s house between my adult siblings. The police were called. One brother was arrested. One brother is a little bashed up. Everyone in my family of origin is feeling the trauma and pain. From Niles to Kalamazoo, to Virginia. This isn’t new. This has been going on for many, many years. Mental illness has a role to play. Drug abuse has a role to play. Denying personal responsibility and inability to handle big emotions are likely the underlying culprits. As my children, who couldn’t help but overhear and see my pain when I was fielding phone calls on Sunday night, asked why this is happening, I could have given them a black and white answer. I could have placed blame on one or two individuals. But reality is not black and white. In a family, we all play roles that contribute to the health or dis-ease of the system. No one is exempt from it. That’s not to say some folk’s parts are bigger than others in the drama. Just that we all have our parts. And placing blame doesn’t alleviate the pain or help us heal.
As I continue to try to process this, my creative problem-solving self keeps coming up empty handed. I feel like a failure. All the potential paths race through my mind, yet none of them seem viable. I could cut ties and walk away. But I know that would cause more pain and suffering for the family system. I could step back into my role as family mediator/counselor, but that is not a role that serves my needs or my chosen family’s needs. I could shift the burden to another family member. But that won’t solve anything. So, what’s a troubled soul to do? All I can come up with is this:
Take it one day at a time.
Ground into my values.
Protect my peace and the peace of my household.
Lead with love, true love, not just affection and care. Love does not allow for violence or moralistic judgments. Love is accepting and healing together. For those who want to heal. For those who aren’t ready, I must remind myself that I cannot control another’s feelings or behaviors.
That’s the story today, friends. One thing I do hold dear and it gives me great comfort is knowing that I am not alone. I love it when you reach out and let me know that you also feel like I feel. Your joy and your pain are not dissimilar to mine. We are in this together. I’m so glad to have you in my life. Love you, jess.