It's all about time
I just got home from attending a memorial service for a family friend, Doren Preston, who recently passed away. I’ve only attended a handful of funerals in my life. I typically don’t go, as I prefer to tend to my broken heart and grief in my own ways. I don’t believe in religion and so sometimes the distraction of the Bible stories get in my way of processing the pain of losing a loved one. But today I went, not for me, but for my brother Adam. Our deceased friend was like another father to him, having been in his life since he was around 12 or 13 years old — so like for 30+ years.
As I sat through the service, I was surprised by how many tears my body could produce. For about an hour, I just cried. I cried for Doren. I cried for his sons, Marty and Aaron, and I cried for Adam, and I cried for me. Rather than pushing away my grief and focusing on taking care of those around me (which is my standard self-protection mechanism), I allowed space for my sorrow. I didn’t fight it or try to shove it down out of sight. I let it flow. One of the themes that wove its way through the speeches was how generous Doren was with his time. To quote his son, Marty, “Dad spelled love T-I-M-E.” That hit me hard. Our time is really all we have. I realize that my main value — intentional relationships — is just a translation of that. Being fully present and spending time together is love. I’m so glad I took the time to attend because I felt some things that I haven’t felt in many moons, such as:
The feel of my mother’s skin as she took my hand in her’s to comfort me. I don’t know when I last held my mother’s hand, but it had been too long. I still smell her perfume on my hand an hour later.
Hugging my brother, feeling his hair against my cheek and instantly realizing that I miss spending time with him and his family so very much. He lives in Kalamazoo and it’s just far enough away to pose an inconvenience on our schedules. I vowed to spend more time with Adam, Tanya and the kids going forward.
Taking the time to sit with sorrow and grief. I tend to rush through everything in life. Today I sat with it, releasing the ever present urgency drive that courses through my body. I had nowhere to go. I needed to be there and honor my feelings’ need to be felt.
To quote Bilbo Baggins, “I am old, Gandalf. I don't look it, but I am beginning to feel it in my heart of hearts. Why, I feel all thin, sort of stretched, if you know what I mean: like butter that has been scraped over too much bread.” I jokingly say that quote around the house, but honestly I’ve been facing my mortality lately with health scares, seeing my children grow into amazing teens, acknowledging that Chuck and I have been together nearly two decades. Sometimes the weight of it all just makes me tired. I hope I have many, many years ahead of me to be in intentional relationship with you all, whom I love so much. No matter what the universe has in store for me, please know this one thing: I am truly grateful to have you in my life. Each and every one of you. No matter your faith or belief systems, I think there’s magic in the fact that we’re here now, together. I love you. xoxo, jess