I wasn’t my priority, but I have sort of leveled up in my healing journey this past month. For those of you dedicated readers, you know that I spend a significant amount of time and energy trying to be a better human in hopes of making my life and the lives of those around me a little bit more joyful, fun and more loving. It’s funny because the guides along this healing path will say things like, “Healing is not linear,” and “Healing comes in waves,” and a most annoying yet very true one, “That which triggers you most is the best opportunity to heal.” And let me tell you, I’ve had so many things trigger me in January. So let’s go through a few of them and I’ll tell you how I’ve learned to actually look forward to being triggered so that I can mine that sweet, sweet transformational magic from within!
Trigger 1 - Home Life: The Dishes (Control and Fairness)
Some context first. Growing up, there were 8 of us in the house and my mom loved to cook. She would cook 2 - 3 times a day, which yielded loads of dishes. Yours truly was the dishwasher in the house. I hated it. I hated the latent sexism in the fact that my 4 brothers got to do all the outside chores and I had to do the dishes and the laundry. And so as I grew up and created a family of my own with Chuck and the kids, I fell into a rhythm of doing all the dishes. And I never addressed the anger underneath of the unfairness of it. For years I would complain about the dishes and Chuck would say, “This isn’t about the dishes.” They were right. It’s not. Rather, it is about two other things that were deep triggers for me.
We touched on fairness above and the other issue is control. I set my family up for an impossible task. I wanted them to know how and when to do the dishes The Right Way™, but never taught them how. I begged and ranted and cried and things didn’t change, because deep down I was still holding onto the story that I actually had to do the dishes. I’ve recently discovered that I actually like doing the dishes because it gives me some control in this chaotic world. And once I paused and acknowledged these things, all the anger washed away. In fact, because I was able to say to myself, “I choose to do the dishes because I love noticing the evidence of a happy, well-fed family” I now smile and love doing the dishes. And the most counter-intuitive thing also occurred. Once I stopped bitching about it, Chuck, Hank and Ev just started doing them as needed. Magic.
Trigger 2 - Work Life: Poor Planning (Respect and Fairness)
Turns out, I have a really hard time dealing with a lack of thoughtful planning. There have been a couple of instances recently where I was noticing that I was getting super angry at work. And because my work is conducted remotely, from my desk at home, Chuck generally hears the tone of conversations with my colleagues. Last week, they called out a harsh truth that stunned me at first and then broke me down.
Chuck told me, “You sound really angry lately. Like all of your calls today had a different tone. I’m calling it out because I know that’s now how you want to be.”
Ouch. Nothing like having someone you love and trust reflect back what you’re not fully seeing. I thought about it and went on a wild emotional ride in the span of a couple of hours. I justified my anger at first. “Hell yes I’m mad. Others’ lack of planning and poor communication has a real impact on people. When my peers are upset, I’m upset. It’s not fair!”
That was it. Two big triggers for me are feeling disrespected and experiencing or witnessing unfair treatment. And some recent activities at work checked both of those boxes. Here’s the thing though, I was not being intentional. I was reacting, not responding. I was letting my anger run wild. Thanks to Chuck’s loving call out, I was able to pause and reflect. As my anger gave way to deep sadness, the tears flowed down my cheeks. I felt shame and embarrassment. I wasn’t living into my values of being intentional and leading with joy. I thanked Chuck for pointing this out for me. It wasn’t an easy conversation to have. They weren’t particularly enjoyable emotions to go through, but I’m so glad I did. Because now I remember my intention and can behave accordingly.
Trigger 3 - Family of Origin Life: Loved Ones Big Emotions (Codependency)
This is the big one, friends. This is where the level-up happened. I’m glad you stuck with me to make it to this part. Here it is — I held space for my mom’s big emotions WITHOUT taking them on or feeling the need to fix her. HOLY SHIT! Read that again, I’ll wait…
This is a big deal for someone who has been committed to breaking generational patterns of codependency and enmeshment. A little history lesson may help you grasp the gravity of this. Growing up, my single mom raised 6 of us wild and crazy kids through the 80’s and 90’s. In that time, through no choice of my own, I took on the role of family caretaker, mediator and fixer. If one of my brothers was in a fight with mom, I had to be the go-between to help them find some common ground. To cool the emotions. To bring peace. I’ve been doing that since I was about 13 years old. Maybe younger. My memory of those times isn’t so great.
Fast forward to this month. I drove my dear mother down to Virginia, where she was to stay with my sister for a couple of months to help her with the new baby. What started out as a lovely and hopeful week quickly turned sour. Mom got sick. And when she gets sick, she gets real sick because she has COPD. Not wanting to get the baby or anyone else sick, she quarantined in her room. And that’s where the trouble began. While she was alone, all sorts of unexamined scripts and stories started to play out in her mind. She was struggling, but didn’t know how to ask for help.
In the meantime, my sister was also struggling with the adjustment of having the baby on the outside of her, no longer inside. Anyone who has carried a child knows of what I speak. It’s all lovely and everyone treats you so preciously while you’re carrying the baby, but as soon as that sucker pops out, everything changes. Those first few weeks are the hardest days of your entire life. She wanted and needed her mom to be there for the weeks to come to help her transition into her new way of life with a baby. But mom was sick and in a dark place.
The night before I was going to drive back home, mom told my sister that she wanted to go home. Shit was not good for several hours. Emotions were running wild in me, my sister and my mom. I’ve had plenty of practice holding a safe space for my sister to feel her feels, so that part wasn’t that difficult. But there was something I knew I needed to do and I was so scared to do it. I needed to go talk —real talk— with my mom. And as I was thinking about walking through that door, all my scripts of the role I play in this family were front of mind. Go fix it! Make mom happy! Help mom and sister understand one another! But my true self gently said, “No, that is no longer your role.” With a kiss from Chuck and some deep breaths to calm my nervous system, I stepped into that room and did something I’d never done before. I held space for this beautiful woman as a fellow human, not as just my mom. It was hard. I struggle with taking on other people’s feelings and trying to fix them. But I refrained. I remained still and full of love. And it made all the difference.
Mom stayed with my sister and she’s feeling better. She just needed someone to witness her in her pain. Assure her that she is loved and worthy of love. My sister needed the same thing. We all need it. I’ve found the hardest wounds to heal are those deep childhood scripts and stories. As I drove away from my sister’s house, I knew I was changed. I felt my power. I am love embodied and I can stay in that space. I don’t have to fear my feelings or anyone else’s ever again. I can bear witness and hold space for it all.
And so I practice. Every trigger, every annoyance, every inconvenient emotion is a chance to practice the pause. Notice the feeling. Discover the need underneath it. Honor that need. And ask for help, of myself or someone else.
What are heavy things are you feeling today? Can you peer under the feeling to see what you actually need? Can you bravely admit to yourself that which your heart desires? As always, I would love to hear about your experience working through the sorrows and joys of life! Love you!