I’ve been experiencing sadness a lot more than usual lately. It’s the kind of sadness that holds on because there’s really no good way to shake it off (no matter how much I follow Ms. Swift’s instructions!) And then one day, while I was on my normal morning walk around my beautiful hometown of Niles, MI, I noticed that I was leaking from my eyeballs. It was an odd sort of disembodied feeling. In that moment, I wasn’t feeling particularly sad about anything, but my body said, “It’s time to cry!” So I just let it flow, ever so gently. To be honest, at first I was a little embarrassed. Not to brag or anything, but a lot of people in Niles know who I am. What would they think seeing me wandering around town with tears rolling down my cheeks? But my next thought was, “So what?” Everyone cries. And now, I walk ‘n’ cry.
I didn’t expect that this would become a regular thing. It seemed like a one-off, a pressure release. But for about 3 - 4 days in a row, I’ve just been walking, and thinking and feeling and crying. And ya know what? I fucking LOVE it! It feels so good to just feel the damn thing and then move on. Sometimes it’s the podcast that I’m listening to that will elicit a feeling, then the tears begin. Other times the natural beauty of the trees and flowers will move me. And here’s something I’ve always known about myself and been quite embarrassed of until now: my tears flow with ANY strong feeling. Not just sadness, but with joy and fear and disappointment and love, all these and more I feel so strongly. But here’s how I know I’m healing. The intensity isn't unbearable anymore. I used to be so scared of my big feelings. No more.
Perhaps that is why I love my walk ‘n’ cry time so much. The feeling doesn’t take over. The experience of walking and being outside in a place that I love somehow changes the intensity. The whole situation allows for something a little different. A little calmer. Listen, I’m not a doctor or your mom, but I say, “Give it a try!” If you’re a deeply feeling human like me, it might just feel nice to start letting those feelings bubble up and out. Don’t dig deep for trauma. Save that for your therapist, or your sister. Instead, just notice and allow if strong feels arise. Don’t push them aside or judge them. Just let it flow. See what happens. And then come tell your old friend Jess about it! Love you! xoxo, Jess