Many moons ago, when I worked at the Edward Lowe Foundation and ran the PeerSpectives Roundtable program, I learned one of the most valuable nuggets of my life. When you’re building trust and connecting with people, it’s best to avoid giving advice. Rather, you could be more effective and helpful to the other person by using appreciative inquiry (asking questions) and sharing your relevant experiences, leaving it to your conversation partner to come to their own ah-ha’s and make a better informed decision. When we give advice we risk having it blow up in our faces. Though we may approach it with the best intentions and have TONS of experience to back it up, the reality is we don’t really know what’s happening inside that other person and how they might interpret our words. Furthermore, if we give advice, we’re letting the other person off the hook of owning their own decisions. Finally, the last potential pitfall is that they may take your sage-like advice and then things don’t go the way they hoped. Guess who they are going to blame? That’s right, my friend. It will be your fault.
So what, Jess? Why are you lecturing me on this!? Oh, my dear reader! I’m sorry for getting a little pedantic there. My intention was to give you a little bit of context for the following story. I promise it will be better from here. Thanks for sticking with me.
Most of you likely know that one of the many roles I have in this life is that of trusted friend/mentor/teacher/manager/parent, etc. Folks naturally feel safe around me and seem to find comfort and benefit in allowing me to witness them in their most vulnerable moments. This is something I do not take lightly. Before I got serious in my healing journey, this used to overwhelm me. I would soak up all the other person’s emotions and stew in them. It was really hard for me to draw a line between where they ended and I started. But now, I’m much better equipped to keep those boundaries and be a safe space where folks can feel their feelings and be witnessed or validated without shame. And, in these moments when I’m entrusted with that privilege, I do my best to NOT give advice.
Here’s the thing though. I’m human just like you (sorry AI robots, you don’t count!) and sometimes I slip into advice mode. Especially the older I get. I’ve been through so much and have learned from my mistakes and sorrows. You might be saying, “Jess, this really isn’t a big deal. You’re not hurting anyone. You’re just trying to help.” To which I would reply, “Bless your sweet little heart that you want to make me feel better.” The truth is, intentions don’t mean shit if there ends up being a negative impact. The reason this is front of mind for me right now is because as I was on one of my Walk-n-Cries the other day, I felt icky. At first I couldn’t quite figure out why. And then I started to intuitively realize that I felt bad because I had given a friend advice and in my heart, I knew they didn’t want to hear it. I had become pedantic rather than empathetic. And here’s why this matters to me. It cuts to one of my core wounds: I don’t trust that people can take care of themselves and so I default to trying to control them.
Whoa. Let’s take a breath before we go on. That’s a big thing to admit. I don’t do this not trusting thing consciously. So it is something that lurks in the background on autopilot. I have to be intentional to catch it before it happens. And so that is the practice for me throughout the coming weeks. As I gather with family and friends — the people I love most in this world — I will notice how I respond and choose to trust each person’s experience of reality. If you catch me giving advice rather than asking questions and sharing experiences, by all means, please call me out on it.
Wishing you all a very happy holiday season. May you savor all the love, joy and Christmas cookies. Love you!